Days like today make me want to just quit. I'm at my wit's end. I cannot actively serve as a youth leader with my two kids hanging by my side (and my husband's).
And I think I resent that. I resent the fact that I often view my kids as burdens. I'm angry that I can't do a better job as a parent nor can I do a better job as a youth leader. A part of me is angry that my kids aren't perfect and can't just automatically behave themselves when we're in a ministry setting. On one hand, it would be great for them to just not be there -- but who would I have to burden on a weekly basis for the next 5-8 years to take care of my kids while we serve? And then what kind of parent am I... continuously neglecting to give them the attention that they so crave? I feel like it's a no-win situation. I resent my kids for preventing me from doing youth ministry and I resent the ministry from preventing me to parent.
I'm angry at myself for being so disconnected with the Lord and allowing myself to be this way. I'm so ineffective right now. So why continue?
Friday, May 6, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
On being captured
My 21-month old son warms my heart. He's so mischievous and I love it! I don't know if it's a boy thing, or a Micah thing, but his older sister was much more calm and obedient than he is. Jumping from the couch (or falling) is funny to him. Sophie would cry and not do it again. I can tell that he's going to be a MAJOR handful by the time he reaches 2. I guess the fact that he still doesn't say words now can be a blessing in disguise. At least I won't hear him defy me with the word "no!"
Earlier this evening, hubby was trying to wrangle the kids for bathtime. Upon hearing the word "bathtime," Micah first headed towards me for protection from his daddy and the evil bathtub. I still had to sternly repeat "bathtime" even though Micah looked up at me with his puppy dog eyes. So he left my side to presumably follow his appa, only to take a detour -- under the table. He just sat under the table, hoping we didn't notice and can't see him. Of course, hubby and I were trying our best to keep our faces straight, all the while laughing in the inside. Finally, hubby reached under and pulled Micah out, expecting him to through a fit, but I caught the look of joy and glee in Micah's face upon his capture.
Kinda makes me think of how we are with God sometimes. He tells us to do something we don't want to do, so we hide. In a terrible hiding place. In plain view of Him. And though we secretly think we want to hide and escape Him, nothing delights us more in our souls than being found and "captured" by His love.
Earlier this evening, hubby was trying to wrangle the kids for bathtime. Upon hearing the word "bathtime," Micah first headed towards me for protection from his daddy and the evil bathtub. I still had to sternly repeat "bathtime" even though Micah looked up at me with his puppy dog eyes. So he left my side to presumably follow his appa, only to take a detour -- under the table. He just sat under the table, hoping we didn't notice and can't see him. Of course, hubby and I were trying our best to keep our faces straight, all the while laughing in the inside. Finally, hubby reached under and pulled Micah out, expecting him to through a fit, but I caught the look of joy and glee in Micah's face upon his capture.
Kinda makes me think of how we are with God sometimes. He tells us to do something we don't want to do, so we hide. In a terrible hiding place. In plain view of Him. And though we secretly think we want to hide and escape Him, nothing delights us more in our souls than being found and "captured" by His love.
Friday, April 1, 2011
On being a girl in a male-dominated youth group
Today, instead of formal bible study in small groups, we had frozen yogurt instead. Only two girls showed up today (out of a group of 20+), so the four us--2 HS girls and 2 female leaders--seized the opportunity and sought the comfort of sugar. Over our overflowing cups of fro-yo, I asked the girls if they would ever invite their friends to our youth group.
Melissa* remembered that in middle school she had, and her friend came out for 2 years, before they parted ways. Her friend Janice was so terrified that very first night, but something made her keep coming out over and over again. So what was it that made Janice want to come out to youth group over and over again? Melissa believed that it was fun games, and especially because "back then" the members were friendlier and welcoming. They didn't just go off and do their own thing and stick with one another.
Katie shared how she was forced to go to youth group by her mom, and how she absolutely did not want to go. She couldn't stand being the ONLY girl in a group of 7th grade boys and how they would not even talk to her. Eventually, she befriended the boys over time and now she feels like she can survive being around a big group of boys. But she wondered, what about the other girls? Especially really "girly girls"? Would they stick around our youth group long enough?
The conversation segued into how tonight was a harsh reminder that girls are the minorities in this testosterone-filled group. They mentioned how alone they feel at times, being one of the few girls who come and how the boys always go and do their own thing during "fellowship" time -- like play basketball. Katie and Melissa noted that the reason why they're still around is because they're okay with hanging out with boys most of the time, but they wonder about other girls.
M: Our fellowship time doesn't really feel like fellowship anymore. Everyone just hangs out with their own friends. High schoolers don't talk to middle schoolers anymore. Boys don't talk to girls. We (the girls) have to force ourselves to be included. I mean, where's the fellowship? It's in the name of our church too!
K: Yeah. Church shouldn't be so intimidating, but it is. Of all the places in the world, church should be the most welcoming. But we're not. It's one thing to lose a newcomer because they didn't believe in what was being preached, but it's a shame if it was just because they weren't feeling welcomed.
M: We should do more activities with each other. To force people to get to each other. Nowadays, they just play basketball or do some "guy" thing. The worse feeling is when I'm feeling all alone. I always feel that when we're just standing around waiting for something.
K: Yeah!!! That's totally the worse time... when we're standing around in the fellowship hall waiting for something to start and people just stay in their groups. And sometimes you're all alone. It's the worst feeling in the world.
With all their concerns and ideas, I asked if they would be willing to step up and welcome newcomers and make them feel included. They agreed, but said it needs to be a part of the entire culture of youth ministry to welcome and include people.
So the question is... how?
And in the back of my mind, I'm wondering how my husband, the youth director, is going to take it all when I share these concerns with him. As a woman, I sometimes seriously wonder if guys understand at all. What am I saying? Of course not. They're guys.
K had also said something more... and it almost broke my heart. She said she felt unappreciated and under-valued as a girl by the guys in the ministry. Even at this age, girls are fight to be appreciated by the guys in their lives. I don't think she said it in a needy-sort of way (as in wanting guys' affection)... but more in terms of being affirmed. Even at this age, she feels the burden of being female in a male dominated world.
Melissa* remembered that in middle school she had, and her friend came out for 2 years, before they parted ways. Her friend Janice was so terrified that very first night, but something made her keep coming out over and over again. So what was it that made Janice want to come out to youth group over and over again? Melissa believed that it was fun games, and especially because "back then" the members were friendlier and welcoming. They didn't just go off and do their own thing and stick with one another.
Katie shared how she was forced to go to youth group by her mom, and how she absolutely did not want to go. She couldn't stand being the ONLY girl in a group of 7th grade boys and how they would not even talk to her. Eventually, she befriended the boys over time and now she feels like she can survive being around a big group of boys. But she wondered, what about the other girls? Especially really "girly girls"? Would they stick around our youth group long enough?
The conversation segued into how tonight was a harsh reminder that girls are the minorities in this testosterone-filled group. They mentioned how alone they feel at times, being one of the few girls who come and how the boys always go and do their own thing during "fellowship" time -- like play basketball. Katie and Melissa noted that the reason why they're still around is because they're okay with hanging out with boys most of the time, but they wonder about other girls.
M: Our fellowship time doesn't really feel like fellowship anymore. Everyone just hangs out with their own friends. High schoolers don't talk to middle schoolers anymore. Boys don't talk to girls. We (the girls) have to force ourselves to be included. I mean, where's the fellowship? It's in the name of our church too!
K: Yeah. Church shouldn't be so intimidating, but it is. Of all the places in the world, church should be the most welcoming. But we're not. It's one thing to lose a newcomer because they didn't believe in what was being preached, but it's a shame if it was just because they weren't feeling welcomed.
M: We should do more activities with each other. To force people to get to each other. Nowadays, they just play basketball or do some "guy" thing. The worse feeling is when I'm feeling all alone. I always feel that when we're just standing around waiting for something.
K: Yeah!!! That's totally the worse time... when we're standing around in the fellowship hall waiting for something to start and people just stay in their groups. And sometimes you're all alone. It's the worst feeling in the world.
With all their concerns and ideas, I asked if they would be willing to step up and welcome newcomers and make them feel included. They agreed, but said it needs to be a part of the entire culture of youth ministry to welcome and include people.
So the question is... how?
And in the back of my mind, I'm wondering how my husband, the youth director, is going to take it all when I share these concerns with him. As a woman, I sometimes seriously wonder if guys understand at all. What am I saying? Of course not. They're guys.
K had also said something more... and it almost broke my heart. She said she felt unappreciated and under-valued as a girl by the guys in the ministry. Even at this age, girls are fight to be appreciated by the guys in their lives. I don't think she said it in a needy-sort of way (as in wanting guys' affection)... but more in terms of being affirmed. Even at this age, she feels the burden of being female in a male dominated world.
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